Is it just me or does anyone else struggle with getting back into the thick of their relationship with the Lord after a less than desirable situation/season?
It would bring me great joy to tell each of you that I stand (I’m technically sitting) here today having talked to Jesus every day since my surgery. But then I would be a liar and no one likes a liar. Then again, this is also not a welcomed topic. You see, I’m a pastor’s wife and somehow this unsaid expectation from others is screaming “You have it all together, You are invincible to the struggles we non-pastors wives have.” Maybe I’ve made this expectation up in my own head and it has nothing to do with being a pastor’s wife but everything to do with TRUTH screaming inside my soul that all I need to do is turn to Jesus during this grieving time.
Why is that so hard to do? Am I the only one?
It has been almost a month. My journal entries… zilch. I’ve prayed with people and for people but get to my own self and you can just about forget it. The Saturday before my emergency surgery… I had this conversation with the Holy Spirit about my lack of desire to talk to Him about the painful stuff. There is an unsaid expectation and disillusion I’ve carried around that pain is bad for me because it hurts.
I’d bet a million bucks, I’m not the only one who struggles in this department.
Like, we know the miracles God is capable of right?! Because we (applies to all believers) teach about it every weekend, we sing about it every weekend, we read books about it every year, we read blog posts and we invited people in pain to come to the one who can heal. Why don’t we bring ourselves back to our truth for healing? Somewhere along this journey and life, I will call a road, I’ve done a terrible thing. I have turned God into a “fix it” man that I try not to ask too much from. Yikes, typing that makes my soul hurt.
But it’s the truth.
Not all the time but in certain seasons for sure. I’ve been struggling through the 4 stages of grief. Yes, I know there are 5 but acceptance isn’t really my thing right now. I’ll get there. And I get it… some of my words don’t apply to those who have a better grip on reality or like my wonderful husband who has such a true perspective on God not owing us anything. That’s another thing… Why do I act like He owes me anything? The answer is because I’m prideful. Like Job. I never realized Job was prideful until the beginning of this year when I heard my not yet Pastor preach at a friend’s church. Mind blown. Pride. Pride comes before
the fall destruction. I’m headed straight for self-destruction if I don’t get it together you guys.
The image that comes to my mind is someone in a room full of memories, experiences, emotions, etc. God comes to the door and says, “Let’s spend some time together.” This person doesn’t just turn and follow him. They do a quick look around the room and try to figure out what they can grab to take with them for their time with God. Should they bring their problems? Their emotions? But then their arms get a little too full. Stuff starts falling out and God just looks at them with a sadness that if only they could look around once more and realize what/who was standing before them.
We miss out. I miss out.
Back to Job, well actually Job 13:15, Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
I realize I am no theologian and I pray that anything I write the Lord removes anything that isn’t in align with His word and truth. So, now that disclaimer is out of the way… Let us continue. THOUGH HE SLAY ME. Slayed. Accepted that part for sure. I WILL HOPE IN HIM. Yes, amen. I will hope in Him. Y’all, because if I can’t … we’ve got bigger fish to deal with then my processing and emotions. We’d have a soul issue… that I know is real for some of y’all who have been through great tragedies. I don’t make light of the struggle. We are human… I get the struggle. Now, here is where I identify with the pridefulness in Job… YET, I WILL ARGUE MY WAYS TO HIS FACE. Job, my friend, my biblical spirit animal currently, WHY. Why do we feel as though we should argue at all with God?! To prove our righteousness? To prove our deservingness? To petition the reason why our way is better? To convince God that maybe He got our life struggles mixed up with someone more deserving of the pain?
Now, I love that verse still… because I need to cling to all of it. Though he slay me, I will hope in him; … that part I need to engrain in my heart for so many reasons. The second part y’all, we all need to engrain in our hearts… argue my ways… psh. Watch it. Tread lightly. Don’t let pride cloud the way to the throne. A heart check is stationed at the end of that verse for a clear reason.
My friends… let’s read this.
1 Peter 4:12-13 Suffering as a Christian
12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
One of my sister-friends, you know the kind who you have known your WHOLE life? Seriously, Jess and I go back to K-5 y’all. We both married Jeff’s because well duh, they are the hottest. Back to the glory revealed.
She gets me. So she sent me this text message explaining her hurt and pain for my situation and the fact that we just don’t understand why this is happening. It sucks. My response…. slightly surprised me in how truthful it was as it slipped through my mind to my fingers to the emoji keyboard.
It is for His GLORY. GLORY REVEALED.
Y’all who are hurting in your own seasons. Hear this… We may not be the ones to see our situation come full circle on earth with glory revealed. But when we do… bless it, it is so wonderful.
Today, as I deal with my righteousness aka pride, I ask that you ask that you stop at the heart check station. How are you with your life circumstances and desires?
Are you waiting for a baby? How’s your heart while waiting? Are you talking to Jesus about it?
Are you waiting for a job? How’s your heart while waiting? Are you talking to Jesus about it?
Are you waiting for ______ ? How’s your heart while waiting? Are you talking to Jesus about it?
I’m closing out this blog with my journal and bible sitting beside me. It is time for me to talk to Jesus about it. You are all wonderful but my soul is wounded and you aren’t able to mend it. I’m thankful I know the one who can. It is time for me to lay my pride down… have a heart check and talk to Jesus about mending my soul wound. I pray that each one of you who reads this receives an overwhelming peace today. You are each loved deeply. Our pain has purpose y’all. If we let Jesus use it. The holidays are painful for some of you… I pray the pain eases and that you remember or find the hope that is only in Jesus. As you look to 2017 for a fresh start and healthier life, I pray that you don’t forget your spiritual health.
Take a minute. Read the verses again. Check your heart… and give this a listen.